Forgiving when it feels like time has stopped...
Recently, a girl I went to high school passed away. I've offered my condolences to her twin brother, who stayed in our small town after graduation. As did several of the kids I went to school with.
Now, I realize most of y'all had perfectly wonderful experiences in high school. You probably think of your time there fondly.
For me, it was a mixed bag. I went to one of three K-12 schools in the state at the time. There were 26 seniors in my graduating class of 1983.
Going into my senior year, the most popular girl in school decided she hated me. Let's call her Cruella Deville. To this day, I have no idea why she took such a strong dislike to me, but she tormented me with notes in my locker, threats delivered via other students, and she even put gum in my hair (I had a lot of it then).
If you've read A Lady in Defiance, this scenario may sound familiar. In the book, prostitutes do this to my heroine, Naomi. So, yeah, that was inspired by a real-life event.
Furthermore, Cruella made it her goal in life to steal my boyfriend. Which she did.
All the popular students took this girl's side and picked on me and shunned me. And every now and then they would cozy up to me just to have something to report back to Cruella. I could tell some of these kids didn't dislike me, but they had orders not to associate with me. And like sheep, they did as they were told.
The only people not in on the game were the nerds and the geeks in our class, and the lower classmen.
Looking back, it was a really strange year. A baffling mix of traitors and friends. I didn't understand it at all. I was editor of the paper, though, and had college aspirations, so I figured I was getting out. One day, I would leave that little podunk school behind. Even then, I remember thinking these sure were some small-minded people.
And one other thing I'll mention. For a while, this treatment messed with my head. I couldn't figure out how to face the fear. And then one day, something in me snapped. I was done. I was not going to take this treatment another second. I saw Cruella at a convenience store and made a beeline for her.
I was thoroughly intent on kicking the stuffing out of her.
But a friend was with me and nearly tackled me to stop me. I mean she aggressively clung to me and begged me not to start this fight. In the end, I let her win.
I figured I'd get my chance. But from that moment, everything changed. All the torment was dialed down and then faded out. I assume the friend who was with me told Cruella what nearly happened. I figure Cruella decided that since things had turned dangerous, she had better things to do.
Summer was quiet and then I went away to college.
I never saw most of these people again. A few of them friended me on Facebook. Nearly all guys, with only one girl in my senior class.
When my classmate's sister passed away, he had a private service for her. Then, a few days later, one of the other guys in the class had a get-together to remember the girl. The few classmates who were still in the area came. They laughed, told stories, and posted a few pictures.
I saw names and faces I hadn't seen in a long time. And the feelings they evoked weren't warm and fuzzy. Oh, they weren't wildly dark, but they weren't joyous. This troubled me.
I took my emotions to the Lord. I wish I could tell you I laid all this at the foot of the cross and walked away. I'm still praying through it, though. My classmates are probably perfectly nice people now. Especially Cruella. She posts things on her Facebook page about Jesus and babies that I agree with. I suspect she is now a Believer. But she was such a Mean Girl in high school it's hard to forget that.
But I forgive. I don't wish ill on any of these people. I find myself wondering, however, if that's enough. Do I love them like Christ does?
I'm working on it. Col 3:13-14 is pretty convicting.
Anybody else out there with ghosts like mine in your past?
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